Adventures of Semper Vaihtaa

Fallwell Caverns - A review

0/10, would not recommend

Now, Fallwell itself is a wonderful. It features lush rolling hills and a delightful lack of hostile creatures bent on your untimely, graphic and violent death. Truly everything you could want from a village in the countryside of Drillabeth. The forests nearby feature a minimal number of hostile bandit folk, and the small legion of guardsmen who work on the protection of the town are truly an inspiration to the world of customer service. They are polite, helpful and willing to engage in minor combat as a result of necessity without being unnecessarily enthusiastic in this undertaking.

I would compare this to the caverns below Fallwell. These caverns simply do not live up to the standards one hopes for in a underground establishment. Refreshments were not provided at the door, which obviously was a bad initial impression. Instead you are greeted with a scene that clearly has not been attended to by the cleaning staff in some time. Debris litters the entryway, which really prevents accessibility.

Now, the lighting in this establishment is simply not up to standard. Not only does it cease as soon as one enters areas beyond the initial entryway, but they are dim enough areas to present a number of alarming safety hazards, including but not limited to skeletal warriors, unidentified ominous and presumably ill meaning background narration and decidedly villainous looking goblets filled with a truly alarming amount of blood. Clearly this area is also not attended to by the cleaning staff, which begs the question where do they clean exactly? I am sure the city health inspector would have a number of things to say about the hygienic conditions down here. I can personally attest to a wide variety of rather offensive fungus growing in the area, so potent that I believe it to have killed a man. If the front of house is like that one imagined the kitchens must truly be awful.

The staff and the culinary experience of this location also leave something to be desired. I am yet to encounter anyone who is not actively hostile towards me, which only goes to show a complete lack of customer service training. On top of this I ordered a full breakfast with an extra side of bacon nearly 24 hours ago and still have not received it. This is despite a surprisingly robust and extensive surveillance system that ought to allow high level organisation and communication to expedite this process. This system is so extensive that frankly it is rather invasive to ones personal sensibilities and privacy.

The layout of the establishment also leaves something to be desired, with the entire thing laid out as if one enormous long room, only broken up by morbid interior decorating and various varieties of unpleasant and often actively hostile staff. At one point I found myself creeping along just to hopefully avoid running into one of these staff members.

All in all visiting the caverns under Fallwell is an unpleasant, off putting and in some cases potentially lethal experience. I would recommend nearly any form of establishment before I recommend this one. I encourage the owners of the establishment to put in a high degree of consideration to the way they present their establishment, and what could be done to improve the customer experience.

If you will bare with me, I will next illuminate you on the subject of the complete lack of pest control in this establishment. I entered one of their many rooms, after being assaulted by what was possibly another staff member and possibly an example of the horrifying hygiene standards maintained in the premises. I saw said… thing… forcibly strip one of my fellow attendees, which is a violation of privacy and personal well being that frankly I think the law would have a number of things to say about. It is a dark day when I agree wholeheartedly with the law. Regardless, on the matter of vermin, I noted that the lower levels of the establishment seemed to have something of a problem with a variety of snakes. So long have these pests been left down there that one had even become skeletal.
So shocked by this appalling standard was I that I simply froze on sight. I found myself unable to move from horror for some time. If this location is truly so horrifying as to do this to customers one wonders as to how it stays open at all. Perhaps it is some kind of franchise establishment…

0/10, would not recommend this establishment to a friend. Or even to Commander Cillian.

This review was written and published by Alyre, in conjunction with several other individuals, but does not represent the feelings of this publication, his fellow party members or the official office of Commander George Cillian. All complaints, concerns or comments should be directed towards your nearest unpleasant monster of unusual size and violent nature with the utmost haste

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Fraser

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